Am I Your First, Or Your Forever?

I love her, yet i shouldn’t.  Days r a blur now, and i dont know where to start.  I’m hurt but i cant show it, why, easy i dont wanna hurt her by saying something i dont mean, but i do mean.  I dont matter,i feel like im only good to her when she needs help, when anyone needs help in that matter.  14 months…down the drain.  My heart…down the drain.  Love…Down the drain.  I wish…I wish i never was this person. Then i wouldnt care…What Do I Do Now…Life WithOut her….

There is no fairy-tale ending, no happiness in live that we can hold on to.  There is no love forever, because when they die you have to let them go, you have to “move on”.  Nothing last forever, nothing lasts now and it wont last later.  So i guess you gotta find every reason to smile, or try to…yeah

I dont want to be amazing, I dont want to be great.  I dont want to be anyone, or anything.  I want to wake up and expect nothing but be shocked by what i do get, not have that “the world owes me everything ive been through hell” type of attitude.  I want to be bitchy, and rude, and say fuck off when i cant stand you anymore, and people just back off, no questions asked.  I want to pour out my feelings and not have a care in the world, and this word fear never exist.  I dont want to have a cell phone, or computer, so i can just disappear, and when i come back im greeted like i was gone forever.  I want to be able to love nothing, like nothing, so when i finally love something, someone i charish it, her, not this want-need-insist-have to have- type of attitude, but take it nice and slow.  Underestimate me, let me go unnoticed, so when i do actually achieve something, ill be above your standards, my standards, Gods standards.  I want my kids to call me whatever they want, and know im gay and be okay with it, I want to have kids and have no kids.  I want to go to a bar and hit on every girl and get rejected, and come out smileing with an “At least I tried” type of attitude.  I want to have a conversation that will be remembered, nothing dull, no dull moments.  I want to die and let my ashes by thrown then form the shape of my body then disappear like i was there but i wasnt.  I dont want to be a good girl and go by the book.  I want to slap a girls ass and tell her shes a bitch, then laugh it off.  Tell my dad fuck you im gay, then walk it off.  But hey, I can dream right?

“There ain’t no sin and there ain’t no virtue.  There’s just stuff people do.  It’s all part of the same thing.  And some of the things folks do is nice, and some ain’t nice, but that’s as far as any man got a right to say.” -The Grapes Of Wrath.  This quote spoke to me, idk how to explain it, but it did.  Like music and movies speak out to people i guess i was meant to read this book.  I have to go to a goals meeting in San Francisco tomorrow, what to tell them? I have no clue.  Today in class we spoke about parents who are not there all the time, and bascially if it is better for the kid.  I think its not maybe because im spoiled in that way.  My grandparents are always home, and I’m greeted everyday with “do you have homework” and at night ” love you sleep well”.  I get home cook meals everyday, and a bedtime at 9.  Some would say thats not the life for me, but its the perfect one for me.  I hate knowing no one will be home, because my house feels so empty.  I think my grandfather is the only man who can pull of a go-tee, if thats how you spell it.  Two deserts in california, who knew…anyways nothing really to talk about i guess..or know

So my year aniversary is coming up, and I’ve treated her like shit for the longest time..Yeah she can be crazy at times, and uncooportive, if thats how you even spell it, but i love her.  And you can question my love, on what is love, how do you know, and its simple.  Shes the only girl who can make my heart drop to my toes, and lift it up again with a simple smile or “baby i love you”.  I let my walls down for her and only her.  She seen my cry and cared.  Plus i meet her whole fam-bam.  But how is it love on my part if im a dick to her 24/7…how do you call that love..I always get like this, push someone away, not care, and i want it to be different with her…it will be…I wont loose her..or better yet i cant.  At times she can be my better half not always but at times.

So she lost someone, not anyone, but someone very important, a year back.  And as much as she says she gained me in the after math, I wish i just knew what to say.  I bet she was one hell of a girl, and i would have liked to have met her…i guess in another life right? 

Baby let me love you

Let me hold you

And let me touch you

Let me lick my lips and adore

For your body I want to explore

For my tongues on an exploration

To a wonderful destination

For no guy can do you like this

Let me put your body in a bliss

That will ahve you speakin in tongues

Puffin up out yo lungs

Like its yo lassst breath

I’m as addicting as crystal-meth

But let me stop before i get ahead

How i really want you in bed

So we can cuddle

Tighter than a football huddle

But don’t get me wrong

We gonna b sleeping all nigiht long

To our favorite slow jam song

And I’m gonna wake up next to yo side

And if only people knew how we ride

They’d be hatin

Cuz you’re the chick I’m datin

You’re my heart and my soul

That rice to my bowl

Your that sand to my ocean

Them ashy legs to my lotion

And no matter what they say

I’ll always be yo lay-day

Watermelon do you cry as I slice you

Your wonderous juices trickling down my blade

as I pull out

Watermelon do you like the way we glare at you in lust.

wanting to puncture your nice ripe body with our teeth

roughly but graciously spitting out your pitch black seeds.

Watermelon do you enjoy pleasing me

making every bite a wonderful sensation

wanting them to never end

Watermelon do you like being swallowed

going into the unknown

a place where i break you down.

Watermelon, oh watermelon, will i ever see you again.

i have one minute to write nothing yet something.  She’s in my mind, sucks, doesnt suck.  How do you show you care, when your not use to it?  I’m tired, always tired…crazy…eh no minutes, bed time.  17 with a bedtime yes…no…yes i like it. Wont tell anyone that though, not supose to.  Im brain washed yet my brain is no where to be found…cure me?

I couldnt sleep last night, felt like a ton of bricks layed on my chest where my heart is.  Throat was dry as the desert, and the only emotion i felt was pissed, because i didnt want to admit that i couldnt sleep without her.  I dreamt that my phone would ring, buzz, anything…i needed it to.  I needed to be mad at something, someone, anything, anyone…that buzz did come, to bad…

I start my day sour, nothing to look forward to but teachers that dont help me with classwork when im the only one trying, but gave up that cuz it went unnoticed.  Jokes and fun made to suppress this annoyed feeling then another annoying voice in my ear asking questions i know nothing about, she gets the anger…boy punched in lunch line for not being able to cut, wonder what world has turned to…and yet i felt better, for once it wasnt me who was in the wrong or right as in this case… good thing i kept my mouth shut…

Home=homework.. i miss her, to bad i always make her feel like shit instead of a princess which she is…to bad she got stuck with me right…

Driving…swear sometimes i wish i would crash and wake up on the other side observing instead of being observed…is quite the best option…or is noise…deaf or blind… whats a world without color some ask, i say whats a world that you never lived in like?…But at the end of all sentences, another one will always begin so whocares about the last one, or any of these for that matter..who cares if im someone, or no one, or the man who made war and killed millions…in 10 years i wont be anyone special anyways..so why be something, when i can tell you what i wanna b, its that much better…